


Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

by RZZMG



Series: Hermione x Draco stories [39]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, Dr. Seuss Style, F/M, Fun, Implied Sexual Content, Manipulative Wands, Prose Poem, Romantic Comedy, Sexy, Silly, Wandlore, Wands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 13:19:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11510256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RZZMG/pseuds/RZZMG
Summary: Hermione's wand seems to be having problems. Lo and behold, it seems Malfoy's wand is suffering the same issues. Hmmm…





	Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

**Author's Note:**

> This was my 1st of 2 entries to the 2017 DramioneLove Mini Fest - Round 2 (2017) (dramionelove . livejournal . com) entry. The fest is over and reveals are out, so now I can post this for you here. This fanfic is finished. It is a one-shot.
> 
> _My prompt for the fest was: #43 - Their new, post-war wands are twins.  
>  Other requirements: Fic must be under 2500 words_
> 
> Thanks to "greyeyesbluetoo" who came up with this fun prompt! This one is dedicated to you!
> 
> TIMELINE: Post-Hogwarts, EWE (2005)
> 
> EXTRA NOTES: Experimental poem style. Title is a homage from the wonderful song of the same name from "Fiddler On the Roof".

* * *

Her wand kept buzzing.

It wouldn't stop.

It bugged her so much,

she wanted to pop!

.

"See here," she told it

late one afternoon,

"You can't keep up buzzing,

or else you'll go 'BOOM'!"

.

"Try sleeping, not beeping,

Or a quiet, smooth hum.

Anything but buzzing!

My arm's going numb!"

.

It ignored her,

then bored her,

as it continued to thrum.

.

She took it for repair,

to get it replumbed.

.

Ollivander's was busy

when she came a'knocking.

A dark wizard stood in front,

and the door he was blocking!

.

"Kindly move," she commanded,

"I'm in quite the hurry.

I must get help now.

My wand's in a flurry!"

.

The stranger then turned,

and gave her a fright.

"Granger, how rude!

That's hardly polite!"

.

"Then I supposed that's your way.

You  _are_  known for your mood,

and for being a prude,

and I can only conclude,

that you're becoming unglued!"

.

Malfoy smirked and he grinned

like a pride of half-Kneazles,

but then he ruined his cool

with a case of the sneezles.

.

 **ACHOO!**  and  **KAFLOO!**

He shook the roof down,

with his huffing and puffing

and wheezy-like sounds.

.

"Get away from me, woman!"

He screamed in upset.

"There's something about you

That gives me cold sweats!"

.

"Look here at my wand!

It's behaving quite wonky,

and zonky,

and bonky,

and certainly all clonky!"

.

"Until you came around

I was perfectly fine!

No sneezing,

or wheezing,

Not even a whine!"

.

Hermione scoffed

at the crude accusation.

"It's pretty far-fetched

that I'd be the causation."

.

"It's probably you,

and your arrogant swagger.

Your wand needs a break,

from such arrogant blather!"

.

He lifted his wand

to cast a mean hex,

but what came from his mouth

but an offer for sex!

.

He tried it again,

but his wand seemed to sputter.

He muttered,

and uttered,

but it continued to shudder.

.

"Why's it not working?"

he demanded quite loud.

He received some strange looks,

from Diagon's crowd.

.

"She's cursed me!" he accused,

while calling for aid.

"I demand her arrest,

and I won't be swayed!"

.

"You're mental," she decided

and pushed past his bod.

"I'm here for some help,

you incorrigible sod."

.

"Move aside and stay out,"

she gave him the warning.

"This is serious business,

I've no time for warring!"

.

He followed behind

like a badger-nosed Crup,

growling and snarling

like an overgrown pup.

.

Ollivander took up

her malfunctioning wand.

He gave it a wave,

and her hair was charmed blonde!

.

"Well, isn't that strange?"

The old man was surprised.

"This wand of yours, dearie,

needs to be analysed."

.

She called for the owner

of the world's oldest shoppe,

to repair her sad wand,

or provide a wand swap.

.

"Then look at mine, too."

Malfoy held out his hand.

It sparked,

and it barked.

It did nothing he'd planned.

.

"Well, isn't that funny,"

the old wand-maker said.

"Your wands are twins, dearies.

Their magic is wed."

.

Hermione balked.

Malfoy gawked.

.

…And the two of them fled.

.

Three days then did pass.

She huffed and she whined.

Her wand remained broken.

Her spells disinclined.

.

She needed a sign.

.

An owl appeared

at her window that night.

A note in its talons said,

" _You make this right!"_

.

She sent a note back,

Telling him he could stuff it,

and chuff it,

and puff it,

and then he could snuff it.

.

Malfoy came to her door

in a right ugly snit.

"Listen here, princess,

You need to fix it!"

.

He held out his wand

with a righteous demand.

Hermione snatched it

with a quick sleight of hand.

.

The moment she touched it,

the wand gave a quiver.

It recognized her!

She started to shiver.

.

"This cannot be happening!"

she wailed and bemoaned.

"This wand calls me 'mistress'

as if it were owned!"

.

"Give me that thing!"

Malfoy said with a grab.

But instead of his wand,

it was hers he had snagged.

.

"My god, it's so warm!"

he said, quite enraptured.

His focus was fuzzy,

like he'd been spell-captured.

.

"It's true, then, it seems,"

Hermione admitted.

"Our wands are made twins.

Their magic is knitted."

.

"Well, what do we do?"

Malfoy asked, still ensnared.

His eyes had blown wide,

his nostrils were flared.

.

An idea then hit her

with all the weight of an ox.

"We touch them together.

Make a magical paradox."

.

"You mean that they'll cancel

each other's strength out?

Are you sure that will work?"

he asked with some doubt.

.

"It should, if the theory

is sound and its true.

Godric, himself, had once

tried this, too."

.

With a sigh and a wince,

Malfoy gave it a try.

And what do you know?

It did actually fly!

.

Their wands pitched…

and their grips

did slip,

and a gasp passed their lips.

It was a trip.

.

Bright lights did they see,

minds tumbling quite free.

It was such ecstasy…

They were desire's devotee.

.

Clothes shredded, mouths fused,

hands roamed 'til they'd bruised.

.

There was only one need.

They were consumed by the greed.

.

Higher they climbed,

Bodies slick and primed.

Together, they peaked,

and Hermione shrieked.

.

The climax was draining,

but with energy waning,

she held to him,

straining.

.

He thrust, urging more…

They woke up on the floor.

.

"A dream?" he asked her,

and she had to concur.

"A vision, I'm sure,"

she could only proffer.

.

For their clothing was straight.

Though their hair – what a state!

And there was still enough hate

to know they didn't mate.

.

"Our wands are not twins,

they're lovers, I think."

It only made sense,

for the way they did sync.

.

"How can that be?"

Draco demanded of her.

"That would mean we are, too!

Or so I'd infer."

.

She glanced at him once

over the rim of her glasses.

He wasn't so bad

for a son of jackasses.

.

At least not his looks,

though his mouth, she'd debate.

She was attracted to Malfoy!

What an odd twist of fate!

.

"I assume from the fact

that you haven't gotten up,

that you like where you're lying

and where we've wound up."

.

He blushed and he stammered,

then he got to his feet.

He helped her up, too.

How incredibly sweet!

.

"I'll have to do research,"

he said with a blush.

"Until I know more,

we should keep this thing hushed."

.

"You might be onto something,"

she reluctantly agreed.

"I'll help if you want.

I can read with great speed."

.

He nodded his head,

and promised to owl.

Then he took back his wand

with a gruffy, tight scowl.

.

"Tell me something," she bargained

as he moved towards the door.

"Did you like what we did

when we'd lay on the floor?"

.

He paused in his step,

and he let out a sigh.

"How could I not?

But I can't fathom why."

.

"Perhaps we should talk,

over coffee or tea?"

she offered him softly,

before he could flee.

.

He looked at her once,

and gave her a smirk.

"Why, Granger, I'm shocked!

Who knew you could flirt?"

.

She waved her wand at him,

And shoved him on out.

"Hey, watch the hair, baby!"

he said with a shout.

.

When he was gone,

at her wand she did look.

"What game are you playing,

you sly, little crook?"

.

And she knew in that moment

that it had all been a scam.

"You sneaky, rotten matchmaker!

You perpetrated a sham!"

.

The wand gave a laugh,

and a hearty, little shove.

It glowed in her hand.

_"You're quite welcome, my love."_

.

_**~FIN~** _


End file.
